Retching out

Elizabeth Campbell takes over leadership of Kensington and Chelsea council. Her first statement? " reach out to the community so that wounds begin to heal".

That presumably means handing out Red Cross parcels of emergency clich├ęs for the lucky residents of Grenfell Tower.

Reach out? What the fuck does that mean? Actually what does it mean, ever? All it says is "I'm just going to stand here and extend my arms towards you - it's up to you whether you grab hold or not. It's as useful - and empty and insincere and unsympathetic - as saying "I feel your pain".

I have a nagging suspicion that reaching out comes from the same book of deathly PR vocabulary as putting so at the beginning of a reply in a radio interview: it's not to be trusted.

Theresa May, negotiator par excellence

Let me try to get this right. One billion of your earth pounds (that's so many noughts, you'll need to buy new batteries for your Casio) buys you the support of a right wing party in Ulster... erm... whose support you would probably have had anyway, for free, without charge.

That's called a negotiated settlement. Arlene Foster and her Orange chums must be giggling all the way to the Ulster Bank, owned by the Royal Bank of - you've guessed it - Scotland. Owned, in turn, by us.

So now, I'm beginning to feel dizzy. But I tell you what - I'll just add one billion to the cost of an election that stupid woman didn't need to call that delivered a result that put her in a worse position than the one she was in before the election @ around £150,000,000.

Let's not even think about what Brexit is going to cost us.

A tweet.

This is (quite a bad) photograph of Messrs Orff, Reich and Shostakovich supposedly scaring the cheeky cockney sparrers off my peas in the garden.

Didn't bloody work. Said sparrers flew down and ripped foliage off irrespective (disrepectful an' all). No refinement at all.

I'm going to have to up my game. Next year, it'll have to be Messiaen, Bartok and Webern. That'll teach 'em. Bastards.

Trident miss-ile

I'm no supporter of Trident, nor of any nuclear weapons for that matter, but it's probably a good idea from the MOD's point of view to make sure they work.

They say it's not just the missile they're testing, but also the boat, the crew, the command and control systems. A Trident missile costs, by the way, £17m. Just for the one. And so far as I can tell, the only way to test a Trident missile is to - erm - fire it.

Which will only tell you whether that one was OK, or not. By which time, it's a bit too late to mend it. A Trident missile which is a dud costs as much to test as a Trident missile that works as intended.

Put that in your torpedo tube and smoke it.

Louis Joseph Bunker Wingate

Born 13 November 2016.