Theresa May’s agenda reassignment

Oh, Vladimir – what a gift you’ve made to Theresa May. Just when she was maintaining a steady, strong and stable decline into Brexit oblivion, you’ve gone and given her a shot of nerve agent in the arm.

Seizing the moment, our illustrious Prime Minister has given the world a demonstration of her aroused vigorous at the antics of the Kremlin. Not being possessed herself of a penis, Mrs May had to hire one in – her priapic partner is Gavin Williamson and the result, who would have guessed, has been a tidal wave of premature political ejaculation.

Theresa May's Willi

This has been Willi’s first outing on the public stage – and what an impression he’s made. Employing what I imagine is his most statesman-like tone, perhaps practised in front of the mirror before breakfast, he invited Russia to “go away and shut up”. Here’s a mature man in full command of the vocabulary of his high office, the warrior we need in this war of words, an undisputed voice of authority.

What’s more, as Sec of Def he has the key to a war-chest full of tanks, jets and boats, so he can put our money where his mouth is. With his protection, why would I need to carry on digging my nuclear fallout shelter?

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